9. Ek nadi thi

8. The Story teller

Note 1 : I made a promise to self not to speak of anyone explicitly on this blog, but here I am breaking my rule 1. Now that I have warned you, proceed at your risk..

Despite the continuous ongoing drama in the valley, the journey never stopped surprising me.This time, a company in chaos.

With her by my side, what was turning into sleepy groovy bass turned into an unpredictable hi pitched synthesizer beats.

We settled down at Wani restaurant after early sunrise where the lorry drivers were smoking.

She pulled out a cigarette cursing the smokers in mute and took one long shot saying “smoking takes away lives faster, do not smoke.. EVER” as if its her last breath and passed it on tossing away the ashes.

Taking the cig into hands, what she said and what she did was a head-scratcher..

I looked at her shifting my eyes from the cigarette onto her. She  was already wearing an evil smile.

Somehow I secretly began hating the recent developments : having a company being #1.

I only chose to travel alone so that I have all these memories associated with me, just me.
But silently she nudged her way into my moments, disqualifying this for a solo trip.

This doctor had the unswerving wisdom that can destroy any romanticism left in cupid, responding loudly to emotions with reasoning, science and fluent sarcasm.

At breakfast, we fed ourselves with left over insults from last night.

When we returned back to the hotel, Sheikh Bhai asked her about her stay with his infectious smile, “as long as it pleases”, she replied looking at the mountains.

There goes the commitment phobic“, I said.

She turned back and tried to look serious.
Instead, she broke out smiling turn back towards me to shut up.
Dimple left her cheeks long after smile has left.

This wasn’t the first time I have seen “her smile”. It was during one of my poor joke the other day that earned her first smile.

One thing led to another and we began discussing what led us to the Kargil despite the insurgency and its sad state.

When I summarized my life story and what has built me to the moment, she was sitting opposite to me with a terrific stillness.

Unable to comprehend, I took my chai glass for warmth. Then began music in background.. “emotional atyaachar” from DevD.

And she grinned like a donkey.

I was angry the moment and smiling the next. She had a infectious thin air laugh too cute to watch.

“template life wouldn’t suit you”, she said.

In her words, “we wear a practical mask. we make excuses with this practical mask; the worst being “Afterall, I am a human being” thing. Being a human being doesn’t entitle one to play with others emotions or time. You need not live in everyone’s perspectives. There’s no wrong in being wrong. You are not 50, but precisely half of it.
Live your age….. love is noble,courageous only in fairy tales while in real life, its a cover for one’s selfishness…… (a good 5 min monologue)… +rumi metaphor 

“Live your age” is what stayed with me.

From then, the “emosional atyachaar” has become my ringtone.

The chotti Eid in Kangan with sheik bhai’s family, the wazwaan cooked together, the improvised movie conversations, serious puns exchanged, sharing playlists, listening to just released ADHM, Mirzya.., playng with sheikh bhai’s kids, she fighting to read my unpublished wordpress drafts in onenote., … and many little little moments which felt like an era lived too soon.

It wasn’t a dream, for the place is already a dream.

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Sindhu river in moonlight

While I was contemplating on taking up the job back in hyderabad.. she spoke while watching night tv..

“You earned it… there’s no glory in throwing away what you achieved. That’s not disgracing yourself, but your effort. You’ve did it once years ago, don’t do it again..”

With a sponsored ticket, flew back the very next day with lot of hesitation to leave the place with a fear that we may no see each other.

Zendagi Migzara… I’ve told myselves.. life must go on.

Farewell is an event when a closed one becomes stranger again,
this farewell has made a stranger into closed one.

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Our rooms
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Revisit : 04. Songs of Déjà-vu

Previously, Revisit – 03. Oh so Stoned!!!

“Love and romantic relationships brings out chutiya version of oneself, not letting one to operate at their optimal best”  – a friend at Sonamarg.

The dividing line between love and lust is always blurred.
When one attempts to discover the line, it fades away with a dirty smile.

This love/lust is the evolution of expectations.

Expectations that make the blame game sound sweeter,
Expectations that take away the innocence of youth,
that glorifies all right-doings and wrongdoings.

But there is this strange force
that draws one’s heart towards women, like the moon that causes high tide.

Pulls us towards young women for their glamour and wit;
towards old women for their wisdom and experience in life.

I was carrying myself around with these pack of preconceived notions, and have encountered this couple on strangest tides that swiveled me.

Unlike the normal couple that indulges in Public Display of Romance, these doesn’t seem to believe in live action before and seem to have stayed in their senses.

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©Sandeep

These couple were busy travelling  into each others’ eyes.
Eventually, they exiled themselves from surrounding social world.

*On the pretext of taking selfie, switched to rear camera and took these shots*

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The way they looked into each other was despicably adorable.

The wind blew mild and  music played songs of deja-vu.

A fraction of my heart yearned to have such chaotic ecstatic moment in life.

There isn’t a conclusion for a feeling like this,

difficult to understand, hard to explain.

Only the presence is felt, and absence experienced.

 

-In fond memory of,
Partner in crime 😉

Like this

There are thoughts that cannot be bluffed

like this.

There is a constant war going inside the heart

like this.

Recollecting the broken pieces from past

like these.

World made me realize a smile can be corrupted
Deception is easier than being transparent..

like this.

How do you manage to get a passage into my dreams
amidst a busy day with mind cluttered with work

like this.

I stayed awake the whole night accompanying moon to stop dreaming of you
I ignored you like I ignored my sleep

like this.

But the moon reminded me of you

like this.

I slept during the days so that I can consider you as a daydream

like this.

I tried channeling my thoughts..
But when you or your thought passes by,

like this….

My mind became a Prism exposing bad n good moments in my life
Like a child left alone in a room full of ice-creams,
knew nothing other than to gobble up.

Like this.

How do I emote my feelings ?
How do you lock me in this prison of feeling I have no key for?

Like this??

How do I explain something I have no idea about?
Why do I keep answering myself ?

Like this.

My mirror says move on, my beloved says move on,
Why do I stay in the same place ?

Like this???

Why do I derail my concentration letting such thoughts cross my mind ?

Dear Memories, I’ve been meaning to tell you..
Go away!! Or give me more wine.

I realized and started living life of my own,
Whenever I feel proud of myself on my decisions

like this,

you poke and create a ruckus in my mind..

How foolish I was to ignore sleep and you, my dear MEMORIES

like this.

you whip me not to forget the past

like this.

I hate to admit.
This pain from this whiplash keeps me alive,
expand realms of my emotional balance
and rediscover myself by each passing day..

Questions lies in the answer and answer lies within the question

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Just like the paradox of happiness!!!